Yup. its a burnt egg for breakfast today and i'm so thrilled. I am so thrilled this is my first real post, nearly 33 months after my last post (and 69 mos, nearly 6 years since then notion of this blog). Yes, today I am thrilled that i could have burned down the house! Its yet another sign that i moving in the right direction even though my *gut* might want to scare me out of it.
Every day i wake up with excitement and fear. And now, every day for the past 15 days i push the fear away. I'm pushing back the fear as i write this. It is HARD to push back the fear. And the funny thing is that there is nothing to fear but fear itself...but seriously, nothing but the fear of those voices in my head telling me "i can't". (whoa, tears now, hmmm?) I am pushing away the *i can'ts* and it is really hard.
You know how everyone always says, "trust your gut?" Well, for me there are two guts working ... its a rather schitzophrenic existence. i do darn well at listening to my intuitve gut and it keep us out of danger and helps me to care for others. But the "you CAN'T do that" gut, well, i believe it has run my life. But no more. And so i have burnt eggs for breakfast.
Burnt eggs for breakfast because i gave myself permission to do what my heart was aching to do though the "i can'ts" were SCREAMING at me not to. And when i gave myself permission, i began, and, well, i forgot. I forgot about the egg and the toast. I was just in some bliss; and it wasn't perfect or even good, but i will get there becasue i am going to allow myself to get there, "i can'ts" be damned. And so i am so, so very greatful for the burnt egg and all of the other little signs i am recieving, nearly daily, to continue this journey.
And now i have completed my first real blog post, 21 minutes late, and so the journey continues...
